Stairway to Heaven
by Missie2
Summary: Ritsu is sent to Shigure's place to recuperate following an unfortunate incident at the Onsen, whereupon Shigure becomes obsessed with a burning question... slight yaoi, RitsuShigure.


Stairway To Heaven

If there are any Beyblade fans reading this, yes, I know I should be writing the next Chapter of Intoxication. But if I don't get this out of my head, I'll go crazy and never be able to finish it. There aren't enough Ritsu fics out there, so I'm filling in the gaps. This is just an inconsequential, harmless, smutty little fic that will hopefully provide a few cheap laughs. Then I'll return to my pit of despair to finish Intoxication.

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Shigure's POV

I really had been looking forward to a little peace and quiet for the week. A chance for me to wander around aimlessly, order greasy takeout, finish my next book…okay, maybe not. When Kyo, Yuki and Tohru went off on some school trip or another I'd have the whole house to myself. God knows with a family as big as ours that doesn't happen very often. So I guess I should have expected some disturbance.

Sure enough, two hours after I finally got rid of the teenagers, I got a call from Hatori.

" Shigure?"

" Ah, Haa-san! To what do I owe the pleasure of conversing with a fine man such as yourself?" He hates it when I over-dramatise things.

" There's been a bit of a ruckus at the Onsen."

" Of course there has. What happened, did the chef commit hara-kiri over some burnt toast?" I wouldn't be surprised if that did happen some day. That place is crazy and so is everyone in it.

" The concierge and the chef bumped into one another in the hall. I believe he was carrying soup and she had a pot of tea."

" Oh dear. What a mess that must have been."

" And then Ritsu came around the corner and tripped over them. He had a bucket of calligraphy ink."

" …_snicker…"_

" They've been screaming for three days. We had to evacuate the guests, they thought someone had been murdered. I've only just got them to calm down. You can laugh if you want."

" _Hahahahahahaha_!"

" Well, I've decided they need some time apart. I sent the concierge to an Onsen in Okinawa, and the chef to a hotel in Hokkaido. I wasn't sure what to do with Ritsu…"

" Hahaha…_snort…_Oh, my…"

"… then I remembered that you have a free house for the week. He's on his way there now."

" What?"

And then he hung up. Great. Just when I've gotten rid of three problem children, I get one that's worse than all three put together. I started to plan on ways I could avoid him for the week.

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Ritsu turned up late that night, and I guess his nerves must still have been frayed from the whole liquid crash crisis. He apologized briefly for being late, muttered something about going upstairs for a lie down and then trudged up the stairs like a zombie. There was a big black ink stain in his hair. At this point, I was getting pretty tired too, so I went to bed.

I guess if it wasn't for the dream, none of the crap that followed would have happened. You see, Ayame had sent me a catalogue for a new range of maid's costumes from his shop, and Tohru was ill on Wednesday so she needed me to go to the school and pick her up. Ah, high school girls, all shapes and sizes, you wouldn't have to ask me twice. So while I was waiting for Ritsu to arrive, I had a look through the catalogue. Naturally I had a few racy dreams that night. And everyone knows I'm not a morning person.

Well, I'm babbling now. The next morning I got up a little earlier than usual and shuffled through the hall towards the kitchen. I suppose Ritsu must not be a morning person either, because we crashed right into each other in the hallway and promptly fell over. Nothing new there, we fall over a lot in this house, right? It was how we landed that was really interesting.

Somehow, Ritsu's left leg got thrown over my shoulder while his right leg was wrapped around my legs. I must have grabbed his kimono on the way down, because I had managed to pull most of it off of his shoulders. And what nice shoulders they were too. No wonder he dresses like a girl, if I had cute little shoulders like that so would I. Hell, you wouldn't be able to get me in anything that wasn't off-the-shoulder. And while I was there I noticed he had this really tiny waist and nicely toned legs that most girls would kill for. By the way, when I got up I wasn't able to find the tie for my kimono so I was just holding it closed with my hands. When we fell over, it flew open, of course. So my largely naked body was pressed very close to my young, very attractive cousin's almost naked body. Can you blame me for feeling that stirring in my loins? Man, if only I had a photograph of that moment, you'd think there was something funny going on too.

" Shigure-san?"

And the moment was ruined. What would he do, apologize profusely or call me a pervert and scream?

" Yes?" Here we go.

" You're very heavy…"

" Oh, sorry…" I got up off of him. No hysterical reaction? Well, that was a relief. Ritsu straightened up his clothes and shuffled into the kitchen. I wondered if Hatori had sedated him…

And then another question occurred to me. If I'd been smart, I would have put the whole thing behind me. But I've never been known for my intelligence. The burning question invaded my brain and refused to let me go.

If Ritsu looked like a girl, and dressed like a girl, did he wear panties too?

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I should explain something. Panties hold a certain fascination for me. It's not like an obsession or a fetish or anything, I'm not one of those weirdos who steal panties from the washing line or anything. But there's something about them that has me drooling. Don't get me wrong, I like guys as much as girls, but guy's underwear is just so… functional! I mean, panties are so cute and decorative and sexy, how could a guy not be interested? Lace on a pair of panties is like a bow on a nicely wrapped present.

Anyway, by now I was wide awake. Ritsu had gone upstairs to get dressed, and when he re-emerged he was wearing a cute skirt-and-blouse combo. The skirt was shorter than he usually wears them, but he had that spaced out look on his face so I don't think he cared. He stood at the counter behind me and became thoroughly absorbed in making the tea. I saw my chance.

I leaned back slightly, not enough to be conspicuous. Man, I felt like such a pervert, but I had to know. From where I was, I got a good look at the back of Ritsu's thighs, but it wasn't enough. I leaned back a little further. More thigh, but no panties. I leaned back more, so far I was almost parallel to the floor. Even more thigh, which was nice, but still no panties. I leaned back further…

__

BANG!

Ouch. Not only did I bang my head on the floor on the way down, but now Ritsu was looking at me like I was insane.

" Shigure-san? Are you okay?"

I popped back up again and pasted a smile on my face.

" Sure, I'm fine! I was just…uh…"

How could I explain why I was staring at him from the floor? He was starting to think I was crazy for sure, I bet.

"…looking to see if the tea was ready yet!" Phew. Good save.

" Ah! I'm sorry! I should have had it ready by now. I should have gotten up earlier to have it ready before you got up. I'm sorry! I'm sorry…"

Well, the sedative's worn off, I thought. Better shut him up before it gets out of hand.

" Never mind the tea. The water's heating up down here, why don't you go have a bath?"

It didn't make any sense to send him off to the bath at ten in the morning, especially since he was fully dressed already, but Ritsu didn't seem to care. He left the room waving his hands in a distracted manner while muttering something about proper tea-making protocol. I made myself a cup of tea, settled down to drink it, listened to the pipes groan with running water…

… and realised I was missing a golden opportunity. I jumped out of my seat like a shot and sped down the hall to the room Ritsu was occupying for the week. I located his suitcase within moments and wasted no time rummaging through it. Skirt, skirt, dress, skirt, blouse, kimono, blouse, skirt, blouse, blouse, top, top… where the heck was the underwear? He wasn't going commando, was he? But then, I spotted another bag in the corner with the handle of a hairbrush sticking out of it. Bingo. I was just about to move towards the other bag when…

" Shigure-san?"

… I nearly had a heart attack. I turned to see Ritsu standing in the doorway looking very confused. He looks cute when he's confused by the way, but I couldn't dwell on that. I had to think of something to say, quick!

" Well, that was a short bath." Goddamn word vomit.

" I haven't gotten in yet. I forgot my hairbrush. Why are you looking through my suitcase?"

" Well, uh…" Think, think, think…

" Shigure-san?"

" I… had a headache, and there was no aspirin in the house, so I thought you might have some."

" Oh." He looked like he bought it. And then he got that look in his eyes that told me an apology fit was on the way. " I'm sorry. I should have brought some with me. I should have known you'd get a headache! I'm sorry…"

" Hey, hey," I interrupted before the liturgy of regret got completely ludicrous. " Why would you be carrying around aspirin? I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just gonna pop out to the corner shop and pick some up."

Then I ran out of the room as though the devil himself were behind me with a big flaming pitchfork. All I wanted to know was whether Ritsu wore panties or not, why was it so hard to find out? Oh well, maybe I could figure out a plan later. Either way, I'd have to go to the corner shop now. I needed a good stiff drink.

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Instead of aspirin, I picked up a much better painkiller on my trip to the corner shop. Ritsu finally emerged from the bath by the time I finished my second bottle of sake. He was wearing a longer skirt than the first he'd put on, so the sedative must have worn off. Disappointing, really. I liked the first skirt. I spent a few more hours with my bottles of sake, while Ritsu went outside and spent some quality time with the grass in the garden. At around two o clock, I decided I was hungry enough for lunch. Since I wasn't willing or able to cook, I called Ritsu inside for help. And that's when the you-know-what really hit the fan.

I was just sitting at the table, mauling a pepper with a very large knife while Ritsu was at the counter chopping mushrooms. It wasn't a good idea, and I can see that now, but I'd been drinking and it seemed like a great idea at the time. It occurred to me that the knife I was using was very shiny, almost like a mirror. And although I couldn't see up Ritsu's skirt, who was to say a mirror or a mirror-like object wouldn't have more luck? Before I knew it, I was holding the knife under the overly long offending article of clothing.

For a while, I could see nothing. It was too dark, all I could make out was varying shades of darkness. So, very gently, I lifted the skirt an inch or two. Now I couldn't even see the reflective surface of the knife, but my plan had morphed into what I thought was an even better one. I lifted the skirt a few more inches. Ritsu was blissfully unaware, chopping vegetables without a care in the world. I lifted the skirt another few inches, and I can't say the view was unpleasant, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I was almost there…. And then he turned around.

" Shigure-san, do you think…"

He stopped mid-sentence when he realised there was a sharp pain and rather a lot of blood coming from the tops of his legs. And I was holding a rather large butcher knife with a bloodstain on the surface. For a moment, neither one of us said anything, then we both screamed at the same time.

__

" Oh my God!"

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The next few minutes are a bit of a blur. I must have given him a towel to wrap around his legs, because he had it later. We stumbled out of the house without bothering with shoes or coats. Hell, I was still wearing my half-open kimono. I don't even remember looking for the car keys. I do remember hitting that pink flamingo statue someone put outside as I tore out of the driveway. Poor Ritsu was in shock, I guess, for a full half hour he couldn't even blink. At last, he said something.

" Shigure-san?"

" Yes?" Did he think I was going to kill him and dump his body in a ditch somewhere? That's what I would thought at that moment.

" I'm sorry."

" Sorry? For what?" He was always sorry for something, but in these circumstances it seemed even more ridiculous.

" I'm bleeding all over your car."

" What? Well, I'm sorry too."

" What for?"

" Oh, nothing. I only _STABBED YOU IN THE LEGS WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE!!!"_

"…"

" And anyway, this is Hatori's car. You can bleed all you want. I think I might need to puke in it later."

He giggled nervously. I think he was on the verge of hysterics. We hit a speed bump and went flying, both of us bumping our heads on the descent. Luckily we were almost at the Sohma's main house. The car screeched to a halt and I literally dragged Ritsu out of the car and into Hatori's office. Hatori must have heard us coming, he was at the door waiting for us. Ritsu and I both started talking at once.

__

"I'msorryHatoriIbledalloveryourcarI'llcleanitupIswearI'mreallysorryandIknowyoutoldmetorelaxandItriedbuttherewasallthisstuffgoingonandIcouldn'tandI'mreallysorry…"

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"HeyHatoriIknowwhatthislookslikebutIswearIdidn'tdoanythinghejusthadanaccidentwithabigknifeyouknowhowclumsyheisandyouleftyourcarinmyplacesoIborroweditandpleasedon'tkillme…"

Hatori waited until we were both out of breath and had to stop talking. Then he strode forward, put his hand on Ritsu's shoulder and pushed him towards the surgery, speaking in the kind of voice you'd expect from a policeman trying to talking a jumper down off of a skyscraper.

" Ritsu, I see you've cut yourself. Come right this way. Shigure, I'll talk to you in a minute."

I was afraid of that tone of voice. Man, I was gonna get a scolding.

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They were in the surgery for twenty minutes. When they emerged, Ritsu had a glazed look in his eyes. Great, Hatori sedated him again. I'm gonna get it now, I thought. Hatori beckoned me into his office.

He sat in his big, intimidating doctor's chair while I sat in the one opposite. I felt like I was at school and Hatori was the principal. He stared at me out of his one good eye for a long time, then finally he spoke.

" He got five stitches in his left leg, seven in the right."

" I see. That's a reeeal shame. Can I go now?"

" How did this happen?"

" Well, he was trying to reach some dishes on the top shelf and he accidentally sat on the knife."

" Really? That's unfortunate."

" Yeah."

" He told me you were handing him the knife when he brushed up against it."

Oh crap.

" Oh, yeah! That's right. I was thinking of something Tohru did a few days ago…"

" Do you want to know something really interesting?"

No!

"Sure!"

" The wounds on his legs seem to correspond with your story, but there should be identical tears in his skirt if it's true. And there aren't. So either he wasn't wearing that skirt, or you're not telling me the truth."

Busted. I had to own up.

" Okay! Jesus, Hatori, you didn't have to wrestle it out of me! I was trying to look up his skirt, okay?"

He raised one eyebrow in a way I've always envied.

" With a butcher knife?"

" Yes, with a butcher knife! I know it was stupid, but I was drunk, okay? And nothing else seemed to work!"

Up went the eyebrow again. Bastard.

" Why were you trying to look up his skirt?"

" To see if he wore panties, why else?"

Hatori held his head in his hands.

" Shigure, just when I think you can't sink any lower, you bring your much younger male cousin to me bleeding from a wound inflicted by your Peeping Tommery. Do you know why I sent Ritsu to stay with you?"

" Not a clue."

"Ritsu, his mother and the chef are all on the verge of a nervous breakdown. They need to relax, they need time to recover from the incident at the Onsen. The other two are doing well, but if Ritsu has a heart attack in the next few days I will blame you and only you."

Way to make me feel bad. Bastard.

" You can go now. If you have to lock yourself in you room for the next few days, I suggest you do so. But I don't want any more disturbances regarding Ritsu. Is that clear?"

" Yes, Hatori."

He ushered me out of his office. But before I left, I had to ask.

" Hatori?"

" Yes?"

" Does he?"

" Does he what?"

" Wear panties?"

He shut the door in my face.

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The way home was quiet, too quiet. After a lot of thinking, I decided to chance it.

" Ritsu?"

" Yes, Shigure-san?"

" The reason I fell this morning was because I was trying to look up your skirt. The reason I was rummaging through your clothes was because I was looking for your underwear. The reason I stabbed you with a butcher knife was because I was using it to lift up your skirt."

He took it rather well. He didn't hit me or call me a pervert. He just didn't say anything for about ten minutes.

" Why?"

"What?"

" Why were you trying to see up my skirt?"

" I wanted to know if you wore panties."

" Oh."

"…"

"…"

" Yes. I do."

" Really?"

" Yes."

" What kind?"

" White. With lace trimming."

" Cute."

" Sorry you had to go to all that trouble to find that out."

" Sorry that Hatori had to sedate you again"

"What? Hatori's never sedated me."

"…Oh."

"…"

"…"

"…Can I see them?"

"…No."


End file.
